I wrote this some months ago, it's the full dialogue for the Chatterbox
radio station of Grand Theft Auto 3. I just never turned it into an FAQ
and left it on my computer. So here it is.
Something about Nike and Ares running shoes in the Insight bit (from Dr.
Nick Riviera).
9th August 2002 - smoothness...
Someone's put together a really cool site with this document featured in
a smooth HTML stylee. Check out www.gamefm.net in the Humour section.
7th August 2002 - various error corrections.
17th June 2002 - Yes, "that guy" that Maria talks about is "that guy"
that you play as. Thanks to the numerous emails about this. And yes,
Toni is the same Toni that you work for.
28th May 2002 - error correction.
16th May 2002 - haven't to round to updating in a while, but lots of
corrections via emails. Also formatted it all into more aesthetic
format. Enjoy.
23rd April 2002 - corrections coming from my Inbox. New section - Inter
Relationships (via email from John). Special mention to the bloke who
emailed me thinking that "sueno" was (and I quote) "a popular children's
beverage". Indeed, and Einstein invented gravity.
*Use CTRL+F and search for the segment/commercial name*
001 ... Segment 1 - Squirrel guy
"You ever ate possum? Man that's good eating!"
002 ... Commercial 1 - Dormitron
"She was too fat for me, and I'll sleep with anything!"
003 ... Commercial 2 - Maibatsu Monstrosity 1
"The new Maibatsu Monstrosity... mine's bigger!"
004 ... Segment 2 - Fake name woman
"Hi Lazlow. Is that your real name? Are you Hungarian?"
005 ... Segment 3 - Vegetable man
"Albino carrots, as they're known back home."
006 ... Segment 4 - Jane the difficult parent
"I love that button!"
007 ... Segment 5 - SPANKed up guy
"SPANK...SPANK SPANK SPANK!"
008 ... Commercial 3 - Equinox
"Equinox ... softening life's harsh realities!"
009 ... Commercial 4 - Liberty City Survivor
"...and let them hunt each other down!"
010 ... Segment 6 - Short guy
"You're all the same, you giants!"
011 ... Segment 7 - Gun caller
"Countries that don't have guns, aren't American!"
012 ... Segment 8 - Taxes
"Good point, that's a lesson to us all."
013 ... Segment 9 - English guy
"Freddy needs a nanny..."
014 ... Segment 10 - Sine & Cosine guy
"I find it invigorating, and even sexy."
015 ... Commercial 5 - House of Tomorrow
"I can get email in the shower..."
016 ... Segment 11 - Fernando Martinez
"I love my wife, even though she is a fat baulker!"
017 ... Commercial 6 - Pets Overnight 1
"Gee whillikers... it's a puppy!"
018 ... Segment 12 - Spank kids guy
"My daddy used to whoop tar out of me!"
019 ... Segment 13 - Killer bees
"They are like sheep, they are going to take over!"
020 ... Segment 14 - C.R.A.P.
"Citizens Raging Against Phones"
021 ... Commercial 7 - Sue your boss
"... falling down and holwling like a sissy..."
022 ... Segment 15 - Puppet festival
"Guys with puppets get chicks!"
023 ... Commercial 8 - Medieval Millennium Fair
"...the joys of being a fuedal servant."
024 ... Segment 16 - Nude dude
"I'm naked and I feel soooo good!"
025 ... Segment 17 - Donald Love
"Ooh, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy."
026 ... Segment 18 - Bob from Pike Creek
"No more dead teachers, no more angry students."
027 ... Commercial 9 - Maibatsu Monstrosity 2
"...and in amphibious mode - it can cross rivers."
028 ... Commercial 10 - Pets Overnight 2
"Would you like a giraffe? Mooooo!"
029 ... Segment 19 - Linda the Internet woman
"I always listen to you when I'm getting my colon irrigated"
030 ... Segment 20 - Maria calls in
"My name's Maria, you know, like mama-mia..."
031 ... Segment 21 - Jeff - rally in the park
"...grabbing the town by the balls and saying 'listen son'!"
031 ... Segment 22 - I'm moving out
"...the big 4-0, it...it's just time to go."
032 ... Commercial 11 - Ares Running Shoes
"My friend Joey sewed his hands together."
033 ... Commercial 12 - Pets Overnight 3
"Delivering little bundles of love...in a box..."
034 ... Segment 23 - Reed Tucker
"Can we get some bacon in here?!?"
035 ... Segment 24 - Crazy guy
"They already got me once...but never again!"
036 ... Segment 25 - I like working here
"...except that we have a snack-machine."
037 ... Segment 26 - Language dispute & hopscotch
"I only play man sports! Like football. And hopscotch."
038 ... Commercial 13 - Fernando's New Beginnings
"But on Wednesday afternoon, I meet Barbara at the hotel..."
039 ... Commercial 14 - Pets Overnight 1
"Gee whillikers, it's a puppy!"
040 ... Segment 27 - Inconsiderate people
"Oh come on lady, you don't have 2 dollars?!"
041 ... Segment 28 - Military bloke
"They even wired kangaroos with explosives..."
042 ... Segment 29 - Tony Capriani calls in
"Toni? How'd you know my name is Toni?"
043 ... Commercial 15 - Pogo the Monkey
"Here you go Pogo, have a fast car."
045 ... Insight
044 ... Legal stuff
Seg 1 - Squirrel guy
Lazlow: "Alright, Liberty City, this is your talk radio show Chatterbox,
where your opinion matters. Let's go to the phones...hello caller,
you're on Chatterbox."
Caller: "Hey, ya ever ate possum, that's some good eating."
Lazlow: "Naah, I really can't say I have."
Caller: "Hell, ya aught to try it sometime, I tell ya man, it's good
eating. Possum, raccoons, even zebra meat, cooks up pretty
good."
Lazlow: "Err, do you have anything else to say, or..."
Caller: "Pigeons. Pigeons are good too. Sometimes, they come with notes
attached...it's like...a fortune cookie with wings.
Squirrels...squirrels is not so good, they...taste like
goldfish...meat's real stringy...ya know what I mean?"
Lazlow: "Ermm, actually, I can't say that I do...umm...but if I did eat too
much squirrel and put on a few extra pounds, I'd use the
Dormatron...unlike those other exercise machines that require you
to be awake, the Dormatron actually exercises you over night."
Dormitron (commercial)
Woman: "I've tried everything, and I just couldn't keep those extra two-
hundred pounds off! It started to affect my marriage."
Man: "She was too big for me, and I'll sleep with anything!"
Woman: "The Abdomatrix, the Thigh-asizer, tummy stapling, I've had my
mouth sewn up, my hands chopped off, you name it, I've tried it!"
Man: "Except for exercising and eating right, porky!"
Woman: "That's right, honey! Then I found The Dormatron! Using a new
technology called bio-rhythmic-subconscious-gymnastics, The
Dormatron exercises you while you sleep. Just strap in your arms
and legs, put on The Dormatron headset, then wrap yourself in the
special high-voltage electric blanket. Turn it on to 11 and burn
those pounds away while a relaxing nights sleep! Now that I've
lost 280 pounds, my husbands all mine again!"
Man: "That's right honey, no more escort services for me!"
Male Voice: "Don't be fat a day longer than you have to! Remember, being
fat can even ruin a romantic cruise! *whooo* Call Dormatron
now, at 1-800-sleepofflard. Or visit www.sleepofflard.com , and sleep your way to a
thinner, happier you!"
Maibatsu Monstrosity (commercial)
Man: "I'm a marketing manager who lives in the suburbs and commutes to
work on the highway. I live alone, so of course I needed a car that
can seat 12 and is equipped to drive across arctic tundra...it just
makes me feel better!"
Woman: "The new Maibatsu Monstrosity...mine's bigger!"
Seg 2 - Fake name woman
Lazlow: "Heh, that's a good commercial. I..I love commercials, don't
you? This is Chatterbox, we are taking your calls right now.
Hello caller, you are on the air."
Caller: "Hi Lazlow, is that your real name?"
Lazlow: "Huh? Of course it's my real name!"
Caller: "Are you Hungarian?"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...nooo, I'm from up-state."
Caller: "Are you sure that's not a fake radio name, like Andy or Bobo? I
thought all those radio people had fake names!"
Lazlow: "Do you have a question, or do you wanna just...sit here all day
and talk about my name?"
Caller: "No. That's it. Love the show, Lazlow. Or Mark. Or John. Or
Beverly, whatever your name is."
Seg 3 - Vegetable man
Lazlow: "Alright, next caller, you're on Chatterbox. What is on your
mind?"
Caller: "Turnips. Root vegetables. You know, albino carrots as they're
known back home."
Lazlow: "Okay, here's the deal - this isn't gardening with Maurice,
that's on later!"
Caller: "Nooo, he got taken off the air. He lied, I know he did. I been
trying to make a hybrid of a peach and a Pekinese midget
fighting bitch for the last two years. And it is im-possible...im-
possible, I tell ya."
Seg 4 - Jane difficult parent
Lazlow: "Okay, and speaking of impossible, Jane from Cedar Grove is on
the line, and she wants to talk about how difficult it is being
a parent today. Hello Jane..."
Jane: "Hi Lazlow, I love the show, I'm a first time caller. I wanted to
say something about these videogames, they are warping our kids
minds. My sons dog, Bugle, got hit by a truck, and he says 'Mummy,
mummy, where's the reset button?.' Kids these days, they think
life is a game. Well it's not a game Lazlow. It is very, very
serious. I let my kid play video games, and now, he runs around
the house looking for gold coins. This is teaching our children to
go chase money. My eldest has been playing this new videogame,
called Pogo the Monkey..."
Lazlow: "Yeah, I've heard of that one..."
Jane: "The shop teacher called me today, and Sam made a home-made banana
cannon in shop class, and was lobbing them across the street at a
fast-food restaurant. And it's all because of videogames.
Lazlow...life does not have a reset button!"
Lazlow: "Right, but this show does..." *beeeeep* "I love that button."
Seg 5 - SPANKed up guy
Lazlow: "You know, it's never a dull moment on this show. Especially if
you're in our key demographic."
Donald Love: "Love Media. Bringing people, and the finest entertainment
together."
Lazlow: "Alright, hello next caller, you're on Chatterbox."
Caller: "I wanna talk about that SPANK stuff. People say it's bad for
you. It's not bad for you at all. Why aren't you talking? Oh,
you think I'm strange? Am I on the air? Hello? Answer me, you
pansy!"
Lazlow: "Err...what's your question?"
Caller: "SPANK! SPANK SPANK! SPANK!"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh, what about it? I mean that's not really a question.
Questions usually start with words like 'how', and 'why', and
they end with your voice going up like this..."
Caller: "Don't mock me! I know where you work! You're just like all the
rest!"
Lazlow: "How's that?"
Caller: "Word is evil dude. And toothpaste, they use it to control us.
Why do you think all the commercials tell you to brush twice a
day? I..I've read books!"
Lazlow: "And what book have you been reading that tells you that
toothpaste is evil?"
Caller: "Dentures, the Devil, and the Great Cavity Cover-up, by Jay
Phillip Higgenbottom. If you'd seen what I'd seen, and if you've
heard what I've heard, you'd never brush your teeth again!"
Lazlow: "I suppose you're one of those people that says diet soda makes
you go crazy in later life..."
Caller: "I told you before man, don't mock me! My taxes pay your salary,
you pansy!"
Lazlow: "Sssir, er, this is a commercial radio-station owned by Love
Media. Advertising revenue pays my salary. And on that note,
it's been two full minutes since a commercial, but I'd like to
say, if anyone else is stressed, might I recommend Equinox from
Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals...we'll be back after these important
messages..."
Caller: "Sell out!"
Equinox (commercial)
Woman: "I used to be concerned and nervous about the future. Sometimes
I'd get scared before an important event, such as childbirth, or
a family funeral. Hey, sometimes you need a little help
navigating life's trouble spots! That's when I discovered
Equinox!"
Man: "After the divorce and losing little Tommy, life was getting me
down. I couldn't focus on anything at work. After trying Equinox,
I've been employee of the month three times in a row! I used to
fall unconscious for hours at a time, but now with Equinox, I never
need to sleep."
Male Voice: "Equinox is new, from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals. Ask your
doctor about Equinox...today."
Male: "Equinox may cause nausea, loss of sleep, blurred
vision, leakage, kidney problems and breathing irregularities. Do
not take Equinox if you are operating any machinery, driving a
car, pregnant, a child of low age, unhappy or if your family has a
history of mental disorders.
Male Voice: "Equinox...softening life's harsh realities!"
Liberty City Survivor (commercial)
Male Voice: "Tonight...the TV event that will make history...Liberty City
Survivor! This takes reality TV to a whole new level! We'll
take 20 recently paroled guys, equip them with grenade
launchers and flamethrowers...and let them hunt each other
down!! It's the reality show where you...just might be...part
of the action!!"
Man: "I was grabbing a sandwich in the Happy Blimp, and all-of-a-sudden
these guys crashed through the window and started shooting at each
other! I was so excited, I didn't even notice I'd been hit! After
that, I was hooked on Liberty City Survivor! I watch it every day
in the hospital!"
Male Voice: "The game doesn't end until there's only one man left
standing!! Tune in nightly, or watch the 24hour live
webcast!......Liberty City Survivor!!......Natural selection...has
come home!!....... Sponsored by AmmuNation.
Please remember to put litter in it's place.
speech>"
Seg 6 - Short guy
Lazlow: "Alright, we're back on Chatterbox, call us on the Chatterline,
and tell us what's on your mind, line 4, you're on Chatterbox..."
Caller 1: "LIBERTY CITY COCKS RUUULE!!!"
Lazlow: "Aah, that's lovely, thanks. Next caller, you're on Chatterbox."
Caller 2: "That last guy was so full of crap. Everyone knows women are
made from sand."
Lazlow: "Okay, great, another lunatic. Hello, next caller, you are on
Chatterbox."
Caller 3: "Yeah, you were talking about short guys and attitudes. Well,
you know you'd have an attitude too if you couldn't reach the
frigging cheesy-swirls at the grocery store."
Lazlow: "Yeah, I mean, sometimes it seems like the whole world's against
ya, I mean..."
Caller 3: "You know, we're not talking about you! What kind of ego-
maniac are you? You got your own show, how about letting other
people talk for a change? You're all the same you giants, 'oh,
I'm tall, I'm so important, listen to me talk about my tall
stuff. I think I'll put this on the top shelf, hey, what's the
weather like down there? How's it going short-stuff? Can you
get that, your closer. Why so sad, pee-wee?' Who do you think
you are?!?!? Short people are people too!!!"
Seg 7 - Gun caller
Lazlow: "Al-right, another award-winning show on Chatterbox. Today we're
talking about anything, it seems. If you have something to say
about anything, call now. Hello caller. You're on Chatterbox"
Caller: "Yeah, hi, I love the show, love hearing people's opinions,
that's what made this country great. People. And opinions. And
stuff. Most of all, guns. I've had it with people whining about
'guns kill people,' guns don't kill people, death kills people.
Ask a doctor, it's a medical fact. You can't die from a bullet.
You can die from a cardiac arrest or organ failure or a major
hemorrhage, small piece of metal ain't the problem. Besides, I
only use my machine-gun in the safety of my own home and car. I
ain't hurting nobody. And countries that don't have guns ain't
American."
Lazlow: "Y-you know that's a really good point. Countries that don't
have guns aren't American. You know, if more people had guns,
we'd have less shootings in this country."
Seg 8 - Taxes
Lazlow: "Alright, we're going over here to line 2, hello caller, you are
on Chatterbox."
Caller: "Yeah, I'd like to say something about taxes."
Lazlow: "You mean...the lone-star state?"
Caller: "No, taxes. Well, you know, look, taxes are really wrong. My
father worked his whole life, he played the Lottery, and now the
state wants him to pay taxes on the money he wins from that
stuff. Buy your own Lottery tickets, you know, hey!?!"
Lazlow: "Good point, that's a lesson to us all."
Seg 9 - English guy
Lazlow: "Alright, hello, you are on Chatterbox."
Caller: "Hello Lazlow, I'm a first time caller. I recently moved to
Liberty City from Hampshire, in England."
Lazlow: "Oh really? How do you like it? I mean, is it hard to get used
to the language? Y-you speak English pretty good."
Caller: "Oh thank you Lazlow. Yes, yes I do like it here. There's one
thing though that's very different and rather worrying. When I
was a boy in England, I had a nanny. She was very strict,
Lazlow."
Lazlow: "Yeah, well, I mean there's excellent child-care here in
America, eeerr...you know?"
Caller: "Well, well I'm sure. But, but the thing is Lazlow, when, when,
when I was a naughty boy, I, I, I...I would get spanked.
N...nanny...nanny would spank me...when I was naughty, and now...now
Freddy needs a nanny, because when Freddy's naughty, he needs to
get spanked."
Lazlow: "Well, there's some child psychologists, who'd probably say that
spanking can be harmful to a child's emotional development."
Caller: "Ab..ab...absolute rot, Lazlow. It's lovely. Freddy needs a nanny.
He needs a nanny Lazlow, because Freddy's been a very naughty
boy."
Lazlow: "How...how old is your son?"
Caller: "Excuse me?"
Lazlow: "How old is your son?"
Caller: "I don't have children! I can't stand the little brats! But
Freddy needs a nanny..."
Lazlow: "Alright, that's enough of him! God, who gave this guy a green
card?"
Seg 10 - Sine & Cosine guy
Lazlow: "This is Chatterbox, we're talking about short guys, nannies,
taxes and anything sane you'd like to bring to the party. Hello,
you are on Chatterbox."
Caller: "I was listening to that caller about taxes. His views are a
little extreme. How do you expect to be a responsible member of
society if you don't understand how the government spends your
money? Why are people afraid of numbers? Sine and Cosine are two
of the elegant incredible discoveries of humanity. I mean, the
Cartesian co-ordinate system has an elemental power I find
invigorating and even sexy. And I'm not ashamed to say it."
Lazlow: "Okay, thanks for calling. Now that we've lost 98% of our
audience let's reward the other 2% with a commercial. When we
come back we'll have a special studio guest, special because he
advertises on this radio-station. Remember, it's not a conflict
of interests if we own all the radio-stations in town. We'll be
right back after this message."
House of Tomorrow (commercial)
Female Voice: "In today's fast paced world, a split second can be the
difference between achieving your dreams....."
Man: "Hey, I just won the Nobel Peace Prize!"
Female Voice: "...and not..."
Man (yokel): "I wonder if wrestling's on tonight?!"
Female voice: "More Americans are realizing if you don't have the latest
and greatest technological devices...you will fall behind!"
Man 2: "I didn't upgrade my personal organizer, and two days later I was
diagnosed with a terminal illness! *cough* ...!"
Female Voice: "That's exactly why you should come visit the friendly
people at House of Tomorrow...and they'll set you up with
all your twenty-first century technology needs."
Man 3: "I only spent $20,000 and now I can get e-mail in the shower or
surf the Internet while I'm driving. I was bored stupid, at my
daughter's recitals and my son's little-league games...thanks to
House of Tomorrow, I can play wireless head-to-head 3D virtual
reality poker...literally anywhere!"
Female Voice (posh): "If it's a flash-in-the-pan technology of
absolutely no use to anyone, you can find it at
House of Tomorrow! Remember...only technology makes
life worth living. House of Tomorrow. We'll upgrade
your system then you can upgrade your life!"
Seg 11 - Fernando
Lazlow: "And now it is my great pleasure to welcome Fernando Martinez,
who it says here is the founder of 'Fernando's New Beginnings,'
a revolutionary new way of saving your marriage. Fernando,
welcome."
Fernando: "The pleasure is mine Lazlow. It is an honour to be here, I
feel blessed."
Lazlow: "Err, thanks, so tell me about 'Fernando's New Beginnings."
Fernando: "Truly Lazlow, it is a miracle, a blessing. It is a revolution
in the marriage guidance. For my people, marriage is...how you
say...sacred. The bond between the father and the mother...it is
made in heaven. And, in the bedroom...if you know what I mean."
Lazlow: "Err...I think so...heh..."
Fernando: "For my people, it is the holiest, most sacrosanct thing
imaginable. Like a church. Yet, for it to be a happy marriage,
it must also be like a brothel. The woman, she must be many,
many arts. The skill in making house, cooking, changing the
diapers on the babies, and....she must also be a whore. A vixen
in the bedroom. Imaginative, exotic, constantly fresh. It is
impossible...you change diapers and then you are a French maid?
Fernando thinks not. Fernando knows not."
Lazlow: "Well, I mean, you know, it's an age-old problem, I mean, how do
you keep the excitement in a marriage?"
Fernando: "Excitement, exactly! Passion, danger...how, Lazlow, how? Tell
me how and I give you...a big, big kiss! Like I give a woman.
But I am not going to give you a big kiss, not a kiss like I a
give a woman, or even a donkey. Because, because...you do not
know!"
Lazlow: "Well, I mean in this case, ignorance...err...kinda seems like
bliss...I err...I wasn't really up for kissing on air...or I mean..."
Fernando: "Why not Lazlow? Am I not attractive? Am I not irresistible
even to you? Well no matter. Why all this talking about
kissing?"
Lazlow: "I mea...you brought it up!"
Fernando: "No my friend...you say, you not want to kiss me. I was talking
how to say, hypothetically, you make me all personal. It is a
big difference. If I say, 'imagine if your wife was ugly', you
can nod your head. But if I say, 'hey Lazlow, your wife, she
look like yesterday's dinner after I eat.' You not so happy.
It is a big difference, my friend."
Lazlow: "'Anyway..."
Fernando: "The marriage is impossible, Lazlow. If a man was born an
angel, maybe it possible, but a man...is born...a man. And a man
with needs...he needs a woman to tuck his babies into the bed,
but for his bed he needs something else. Something magical. A
dream. Sueño..."
Lazlow: "So he starts flirting with his secretary, he takes her out for
a drink, one thing leads to another, and before you know it,
he's found all kinds of uses for the office furniture."
Fernando: "Exactly Lazlow. I know what you are like. I see it in your
eyes. A wanderer. A dreamer. A man who has needs. But yet, I
can save you. And I can save your marriage."
Lazlow: "Eh-heh, my marriage doesn't need saving, heheh!"
Fernando: "Hey you are the one mentioning the pretty assistant and the
office furniture, and the ay-caramba my friend. Listen,
Lazlow, and listen very closely. Your marriage is a gift, it
is a present from above. You are a man, I think we see by now
you are no angel. I can save you. For when the man, he sees #
wife all fat, all ugly, with the dirty diapers and the dirty
babies and the scrubbing brush, who knows what else, he's not
thinking marriage bed, he's thinking about what you thinking
about your pretty assistant. We already know that, see."
Lazlow: "Aahh...go on..."
Fernando: "But Lazlow, what if you act on your fantasy. For your little
secretary with the short skirt and the pretty eyes and the
'come-here-and-do-this' smile, and then what my friend? What
then?"
Lazlow: "Erm...I get a sexual harassment suit!"
Fernando: "If you are lucky, my friend. But you, more likely, your
marriage is ruined Lazlow. Your sweetheart, she hates you.
Your pretty secretary, she wants you to be her man. You back
here to square one. My friend, you, and a thousand men like
you, for me, once it was so, but then one day, I was driving
my car, and I realize, 'Fernando, you are blessed!' You, are a
miracle, a thousand miracles rolled into one. You save the
marriage, and, you save the man. You don't put the marriage
first, and you don't put the man first. Maybe, we call it 'Man
Marriage.' Then I think to myself...no...this is a bad name! It
sounds really dumb. Then I think, we cal it 'Fernando's New
Beginnings.' Because that is...what it is. A new beginning
Lazlow."
Lazlow: "So, how does this work?"
Fernando: "It is a miracle Lazlow, a miracle. A man is a good father, a
loving husband, the winner of the bread...six and a half days a
week. On the spare half day, I save his life."
Lazlow: "How?"
Fernando: "By giving him what he needs...in a controlled environment. I
give him passion."
Lazlow: "What...with you? That kinda sounds like a limited market!"
Fernando: "Lazlow, you are very prejudice, and I no like that. But no,
not with me. Passion for life. Passion for love. Passion for
women. Which he can take home to his wife, of course."
Lazlow: "What, so you act like a pimp?"
Fernando: "Not a pimp little man, a savior. In a controlled environment
I introduce the man to a pleasure he has lost to the miracles
of the world. And truly, the results are remarkable. With my
unique councelling, a thousand marriages have been saved, and
a million more could be saved, everyday."
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and...and do the wives know about this?"
Fernando: "In their hearts, Lazlow, they know they have been saved."
Lazlow: "Errr...okay. We're gonna open it up to the phones. If you've got
any questions for Fernando Martinez, exotic marriage guidance
made easy, ring us now...eh...hey cool, we have a caller on line 1,
caller, you are on Chatterbox."
Jerry: "Hi Lazlow, hey Fernando. My name's Jerry, and I'm a first-time
caller, and I just wanted to say 'hey Lazlow, you were real tough
on Fernando back there.' I'll tell you one thing...he's a miracle
worker! He saved my marriage...and I married a bus of a woman! Now
I don't feel sick every time I open my eyes!"
Fernando: "See Lazlow, you see? I remember Jerry so well. He come in, he
is like a broken man. But a half a man... a 'ma', if you will.
He has no 'n' anymore, and his marriage is killing him! Where
is the passion? She is gone, replaced by ugliness. You see
Lazlow...Mrs. Jerry...she is not a pretty lady! She is more like
an offensive line, a tiger, big and hairy, but fertile. She
gives Jerry five kids. But she is even bigger. Now she is like
a whole offensive line...he feels no pride in himself. He has no
pride in his marriage. He is ashamed of this wonderful lady,
who bears him so many young. And he comes to me, and he
cries...'Fernando, save my marriage, I love my wife...even though
she is a fat porker!' And I say 'Jerry, you are a man. It is a
mans duty to love his wife...even if she is like a farmhouse.'
Now, Jerry is saved."
Lazlow: "By...sleeping with other women."
Fernando: "Whatever it takes to save a beautiful union. A blessing."
Lazlow: "A beautiful union by a...an adulterer and queen Kong! That's
great. So err...who's on the line now?"
Janice: "Hi Lazlow, this is Janice. I love the show, and always wanted
to call in, but you offended me today. Who is this gutter-trash
you have on the show?"
Lazlow: "Hey Janice, I share your anxiety...the studio kinda...forced him on
me!"
Fernando: "Hey, you watch yourself mister, and you, Janice, why are you
so ugly? Your husband, he not make you happy?"
Janice: "No, he's an idiot! And a jerk!"
Fernando: "But he's probably a good daddy, and you sound very pretty,
angry, and a little bit of a know-it-all, but very pretty
lady. This is the thing, Lazlow. The women, they think the New
Beginnings is only for men! But no, it is for women too! For
Janice, if her husband goes to New Beginnings, he thinks that
you are wonderful, all over again, and, in the extreme case,
maybe she come to work for me. And she get a new beginning
herself! She discover the excitement and the passion all for
herself. Listen, Janice, you call me...cinco-cinco-cinco-nueve
dos-nueve-dos"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh....listen...don't try to pimp-out my listeners!"
Fernando: "That is a very ugly word. A travesty. I work miracles, sénor,
not pimping! I save, I give the passion back! And you better
watch yourself buddy, because for my people, we take these
insults very personally. And then, you no longer Mr. Talk-
show, you Mr. Who-cut-out-my-tongue."
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...who are your people anyway? I..eh...which exotic location
do you come from?!?"
Fernando: "I am...I am Latin."
Lazlow: "Heh, Latin is a big place there buddy. Eh, where in Latin?"
Fernando: "I do not need to listen to the insults. I have pride, I have
a calling. Many are called, but few are chosen, my friend. And
I was called, and chosen, to work a miracle!!"
Lazlow: "So, err...er...where were you called from, Fernando??"
Fernando: "From off-state, okay, you happy money now? I'm not real
Latin, but I provide real Latin passion. I work the miracles,
everyday. Listen...wives, children...if your husband, if your
daddy, he not happy, send him to me, Fernando, in exchange for
a few hours a week...I give you the world!!!"
Lazlow: "Get off, get lost, you're just a cheap pimp from up-state, get
out of my studio!!!"
Fernando: "I save your daddy....I save your husband...it is a miracle.....!!!"
Lazlow: "Get outta here...!!!"
Fernando: "It is a miracle!!!"
Petsovernight 1 (commercial)
Kid: "Mom, there's a package for you."
Mom: "But I didn't order anything! What's this? How sweet..."
Puppy: "Woof woof woof!"
Mom: "Gee whilikers...it's a puppy!"
Male Voice: "Everybody loves a puppy! And now you can ship one anywhere,
just by logging on to petsovernight.com!
Petsovernight.com...delivering little bundles of love, in a
box...directly to your door."
Puppy: "Woof!"
Seg 12 - Spank kids guy
Lazlow: "And now it's time for a public service announcement from
station owner Donald Love."
Donald Love: "Hello. My name is Donald Love. You're listening to a Love
Media station. Enjoy!"
Lazlow: "Alright, we're back here on Chatterbox, the radio show that
never gets old. I'm Lazlow, with open ears and a closed mind.
Hello, you're on the air, what's your name?"
Caller: "I wanted to talk about spanking!"
Lazlow: "Oh God...not another one...!"
Caller: "I say spanking kids is the only way to teach them right from
wrong."
Lazlow: "So you think that teaching kids from an early age that violence
is the solution to problems will make them valuable members of
our society."
Caller: "Exactly! I knew you'd understand Lazlow! My daddy used to whoop
the tar out of me. He once hit me so hard my spleen fell out of
my ear. Didn't do me no harm. Look at me now, I'm the best pest-
control guy in east Portland. I've killed more rats, roaches and
vermin that you can imagine, and I love it. This is such a great
country, I wouldn't be where I am today if my daddy hadn't beat
me senseless."
Lazlow: "Hehh...what are you talking about? Man, I'm starting to believe
that guy about the fluoride in the drinking water! Listen...if
there's any sane person left in Liberty City that can hear my
voice, please, call the show right now, this is an SOS, going
out across the city!"
Seg 13 - Killer bees
Lazlow: "Hello caller, you are on the air. Are you sane!?! Eh-heh...are
you a sane caller?!?"
Caller: "Absolutely Lazlow. Killer bees!"
Lazlow: "K..killer bees!?"
Caller: "Yes, killer bees! Did you know that the current migration north
continues, we will all be dead in 3 years?!? Do you want to
become a bee's supper?!? I don't! That's why we must act now!!!
Killer bees must be stopped!"
Lazlow: "I wonder why more people aren't talking about this, I mean,
killer bees swarming, and it sounds pretty serious!"
Caller: "Aah...but the killer bees are nothing compared to ants! You can't
kill them! They are like sheep, they are going to take over!!"
Lazlow: "Alright, thanks caller."
Seg 14 - C.R.A.P.
Lazlow: "Alright, thanks caller. Ants, killer bees, fat people, what's
plaguing you? Call now! Chatterbox, hello, you're on the air..."
Caller: "Err yes...I'd like to say something about these damn people on
trains and busses in this city who yammer on and on into their
cell phones. I'm really glad to hear about what your having for
dinner! What we should do, is herd them up, and put them on an
island. I am the President of a group called Citizens Raging
Against Phones."
Lazlow: "CRAP?!?"
Caller: "Exactly!"
Lazlow: "Your organization's called 'crap,'...wh...what kind of moron are
you...you wanna round people up for using a phone?!? But you...your
calling up on a phone t...to tell the world about it! I...I mean,
how many people are there in this 'crap'?"
Caller: "Citizens are raging against phones, Lazlow!!"
Lazlow: "How many people?"
Caller: "There are three of us. It's hard organizing meetings without
the phones though. We've had to resort to carrier pigeons, and
they keep disappearing."
Lazlow: "What are you speaking to me on? What...what's that in your hand?"
Caller: "I am not the problem! You are! And you're perpetuating the
downfall of mankind! Liberty City was great before phones ruined
everything."
Lazlow: "Liberty City was a church, a cow pasture and 3 houses when the
telephone was invented!"
Caller: "Liar!!"
Lazlow: "You're the liar!"
Caller: "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"
Lazlow: "What are...are you three years old?!?"
Caller: "Lazlow's a liar, Lazlow's a liar!! I bet that isn't even your
real name"
Lazlow: "Shut up!!"
Caller: "You shut up!!"
Lazlow: "Stupid!"
Caller: "Nanny nanny boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo!"
Lazlow: "Ohh...we're going to commercials!"
Sue your boss (commercial)
Male Voice: "Is your job affecting your health? Do you become fatigued?
Does working take time away from family and social events
like watching wrestling? There's an easy solution! Sue your
boss!! See, the great thing about this country is you can
sue anyone for pretty much anything! And you'll probably
win! Or at least get a settlement! At the firm of Rakin and
Ponzer personal injury attorneys, we can show you how
falling down and howling like a sissy can result in a large
damage award from your employer. We also specialize in
awards for injuries suffered in auto, bus and train
accidents! And can even train you to throw yourself in front
of a bus and pretend to be injured. Hey, that's why they pay
for insurance! Call the law offices of Rakin and Ponzer, and
get ready to enjoy a life of luxury!"
Seg 15 - Puppet festival
Lazlow: "Alright, we're back on Chatterbox, let's...er...go to the
Chatterline here...hello, caller...you're on Chatterbox."
Caller: "Lazlow, I just wanted to make your viewers aware that..."
Lazlow: "...Okay, now this is a radio-show, we don't have viewers...we have
listeners..."
Caller: "...Er...okay...anyway, Lazlow, I just wanted to make your viewers
aware the first international puppetry festival is next month at
the fairgrounds, bro. If you're interested in becoming a puppet
master, or a ventriloquist, you should definitely come down
dude, it's gonna be totally killer!"
Lazlow: "Heh, I wasn't aware that there was much demand for puppet shows
these days."
Caller: "Oh man, have you been living under a rock bro? Guys with
puppets get chicks! I take my monkey puppet to the park all the
time, we play hackey sack together, it's rad! But anyway dude,
at the international puppetry festival, we'll be having
workshops on finger puppets too! 'Hello Petunia the Pinky, meet
Barney the Thumb...'. String puppets, club puppets...dude it's gonna
rock!"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...okay, thanks."
Caller: "Hope to see you there, Lazlow. Hey by the way, can you give me
that guy Fernando's number?"
Lazlow: "Naah...I'm sorry, Fernando hasn't paid his bills to our ad-sales
department. But here's someone who has. And they paid us in
stacks of old groats and gold guineas, we'll be back after
this..."
Medieval Millennium Fair (commercial)
Man: "Do you live in the boring suburbs but dream of living in a lonely
castle on a windswept moor? Do you long to trade in your sweat suit
for a hundred pound suit of armour and swap your SUV for a noble
stallion? Do you eat microwave dinners...all the while wishing you
were roasting a succulent pig at a pagan banquet? Is your next
ideal home-improvement a moat? Well get ready, Liberty City!!"
Man2: "This weekend and every weekend at Liberty City Park, it's the
Medieval Millennium Fair. Our band of traveling minstrels, knights
and maidens oh so fair are ready to delight you, with tales of the
black death, witch burnings, and the joys of being a feudal serf.
Forget about air-conditioning and modern medicine...we've got all
the leeches, spells and potions you need at the Medieval
Millennium Fair. Learn the art of cooking with turnips! Yum yum.
Buy genuine reproduction medieval artifacts, including maces,
double-handed battle swords, and one-size-fits-all chainmail. And
this weekend only...pick up an authentic mechanical Lady of the Lake
and Excalibur. It's perfect for your garden pond or swimming pool!
And learn how to rid your condo of vermin, using a penny whistle,
and a mysterious prancing German named Hans! The Medieval
Millennium Fair, every weekend at Liberty City Park."
Seg 16 - Nude dude
Lazlow: "Alright Liberty City, you are listening to Chatterbox, the show
that is the number one reason...for the success of the internet.
Alright, let's take a call...who's on the line?"
Caller: "Clothes!"
Lazlow: "Wh...what about them?!"
Caller: "Clothes!"
Lazlow: "What are you talking about??"
Caller: "Lazlow...clothes!! Clothes, Lazlow! I hate 'em, I just hate 'em!"
Lazlow: "Eh...we're a...we're all about opinions on Chatterbox, which is
er...Liberty City's premiere phone-in station. But...why don't you
like clothes...?"
Caller: "I just hate them, they're so constricting! I mean does a lion
wear clothes? And the lion is the king of the jungle! So why
can't I, a humble citizen, go naked!?!"
Lazlow: "Well I mean I guess a lion has two distinct advantages over
you. One, I mean you say a king, and therefore it can exercise
it's royal prerogative to not wear clothes, and two, it's a cat,
and therefore doesn't have to, and three, I mean...now that I
think about it...if you want to try to dress a lion you can,
but...I...I guess what we're learning is that life can be a little
unfair at times!"
Caller: "I'm naked, Lazlow!! I'm naked!!"
Lazlow: "I...you know...I really didn't need to know that!"
Caller: "Why Lazlow, why? Does it offend you?? I was born naked, I'm
gonna die naked! I'm going to live naked! So there! There's
nothing wrong with being naked!! It's so invigorating feeling
the hot leather of a chair...or the cool wind from the north on
your naked body."
Lazlow: "I..I...I'm gonna have to cut you off..."
Caller: "Don't you believe in free speech...and free expression? No, of
course you don't...all you believe in is free drinks!! I'm naked
and there's not a damn thing you can do about it! I'm naked and
I feel sooo good!"
Lazlow: "Wh...what about winter!?!"
Caller: "What d'you mean?!"
Lazlow: "You know...I mea...what about winter?! When the wind blows, and
it's really cold...I mean...do you prance about like a ninny waiting
for your privates to go blue??"
Caller: "I was born naked and I'm gonna die naked!!"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and all shriveled up by the sound of things!"
Caller: "Winter was invented by clothing companies! Clothes are
unnecessary. They're ugly! Have you ever cooked in the nude??"
Lazlow: "Nah...look is this leading anywhere, cos I mean, we've got a lot
of other people waiting to talk about real things here...!"
Caller: "Nudity is real! Open your eyes! Take off your pants, come on!!
Come on Lazlow, you can be a figure-head for Liberty City
naturists! We have more members now for the first time since
1977. Nudity is back! A lot of people are into nudity and really
understand the spiritual side."
Lazlow: "What?!? Hanging out with loads of naked chicks? I mean I see
the fun in it, but...I just think that clothes have distinct
advantages. Like...like not accidentally cooking yourself, or...or
when you're working on a building...!"
Caller: "We're not swingers! It's not about sex. It's about being one
with the world."
Lazlow: "Alright dude, groovy, hug a rainbow..."
Seg 17 - Donald Love
Lazlow: "It's time for a public service announcement from Donald Love."
Donald Love: "Hello. I'm Donald Love. Under my guidance, Love Media has
emerged as the fastest growing US run media conglomerate of
the past five years. With newspapers, radio stations and
television across the US and the free world, alongside a
wide array of industrial and technology interests, we at
Love Media ensure you get the truth behind the story, every
time. From films to dog food, from radio to pop music, you
can be sure of independent, quality led broadcasting every
time you tune it. That's why we're the fastest growing
cable supplier and health insurance provider in the north-
east. And why our new satellite in China is something all
Americans can be proud of. Here at Love Media we are proud
of what we have done to help America, and to help hard-
working Americans relax. For investment opportunities or
information about our new interactive TV service, please go
to www.lovemedia.tv...."
Lazlow: "Ooh, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy."
Seg 18 - Bob from Pike Creek
Lazlow: "Alright let's go to line 8, hello caller, what's your name?"
Bob: "Bob. Bob from Pike Creek."
Lazlow: "Hey, er...what's up, Bob from Pike Creek?"
Bob: "Well, I been listening to your show, there's always people going
on about problems in schools. Guns, people showing disrespect to
teachers, drugs...schools are breeding grounds for crime, ain't
they?!?"
Lazlow: "Well I guess it seems that way!"
Bob: "Well I got a reeeal simple solution! Shut 'em down. Shut down the
schools and you shut down the problem. No more dead teachers, no
more angry students."
Lazlow: "Well, but you don't think..."
Bob: "No I don't never! Now listen to me! It makes perfect sense! These
days, they complain a lot, but you know what...they cost even more! I
mean shoes, books, toys, even special tiny furry pets, that sort of
crap. It's all about me...me me me me! Well not my Johnny. No sir!
Uh-uh! I'm learning him the value of good hard work. Learning him
good. At three, we taught him how to clean the bathroom, if he left
so much as one hair on the soap it was off to bed with no dinner!
You know what? He went to bed a-hungry only 20, maybe 30 times. He
learned! Now, he brings his mother lunch in bed every day so that
she can sleep in! Let me tell ya, everyone should have their kid
serving up food! He even cooks for the whole family! These days
he's getting to big to sweep chimneys, so now he's a paralegal at
Rankin' and Ponzer! He's seven, and he's making Madge and me
twenty-three thousand a year. And on weekends, he doesn't go to the
mall, play soccer, read, or do any of that kind of stuff! No no! He
works in the basement of a marketing company making photocopies all
night. Hell, he goes to sleep during the day, that's another eight
grand right there! So now, I'm buying me a fast-boat trailer, what
do you say to that ?!?"
Lazlow: "Well it sounds kinda like...exploitation to me!"
Bob: "Exploitation! Man, you bleeding hearts kill me! Johnny's mine,
he's my kid, how can I exploit something I own? Exploitation, you
sound like a communist! Kids in Russia, they don't work...that's why
everything's so messed up over there! You have to wait one month
for toilet paper! And their space station...it was made out of milk
crates. I tell ya, we're conformed living it the American way!
That, and the only thing more American is having folks work for
ya!"
Lazlow: "That sounds a little oppressive...and even despotic!"
Bob: "Exactly Lazlow, you hit the nail on the head that time! He's my
kid, I'm telling ya, just shut the schools down, make the kids
work! That book stuff's all for sissies anyway!"
Lazlow: "A..and doctors, and politicians, and lawyers and p...whatever,
you know I can't even be bothered to argue with you, but I do
feel sorry for your little Johnny the seven year old cook
chimney-sweep paralegal photocopier because..his daddy's an
idiot!! Let's take a quick break."
Maibatasu Monstrosity 2 (commercial)
Woman: "Phil and I just had another kid. So of course we need a bigger
SUV. Being a mom is hard, with soccer, football and lacrosse
practice, so we bought the new Maibatsu Monstrosity. It's so
big...we lost little Joey in the back and couldn't find him for and
hour! When I'm rushing to the mall, or talking on my cell phone,
I know me and my family are safe. The Maibatsu Monstrosity has 4-
wheel drive, and in amphibious mode...it can cross rivers. So far
I've only hit a few puddles, but it's good to know it's there.
With the time I save taking shortcuts through the strip-mall
parking lot I can focus on the important things. Like gazing
longingly at the pool boy or...buying more exercise equipment off
the TV. So what if it gets 3 miles to the gallon!? I'm a mom, not
a conservationist!"
Woman Voice: "The new Maibatsu Monstrosity...mine's bigger!!"
Petsovernight 2 (commercial)
Male Voice: "Would you like a giraffe?"
Cow: "Mooooo!"
Male Voice: "Have one delivered. Just log on to petsovernight.com, and
we'll send you a giraffe...overnight.
Petsovernight.com...delivering little bundles of love, in a
box...directly to your door."
Cow: "Mooeehhh"
Seg 19 - Linda the Internet woman
Lazlow: "Alright, you are listening to Chatterbox, hosted by me, Lazlow,
because I got kicked off the rock station. Let's go over here
and talk to somebody about their life. Hello caller, you are on
the air."
Linda: "Hi Leslie, my name's Linda. I just love your show. I always
listen to you when I'm getting my colon irrigated. I just wanted
to say something about the Internet, you know, the information
super-highway, the world-wide-web..."
Lazlow: "Yeah, I know...all about it...heh!"
Linda: "Isn't it amazing!? I mean it's just incredible. I know a lot of
people say it's absolutely a load of crap, but how could they be
so dumb? It's remarkable, I think. Think of all the things you
can do. I mean, suppose you wanna buy a new CD, what do you do,
Leslie?"
Lazlow: "I go to a shop...a...and the name's Lazlow!"
Linda: "I know Leslie, I'm a regular listener...well I don't, I buy a CD
online, and then, I rip the music into a different format, so I
can listen to it while I'm jogging. I mean, it's incredible. I
also like jazz, and cooking, and bestiality so the Internet is
really good for my hobbies. I think it's amazing. I used to go
out a lot, but I don't have to go out, ever again! I don't envy
those kids with their stock options and their fast cars, they
earned them! The Internet has saved my life!"
Lazlow: "This is really going nowhere, do you have anything interesting
to say at all?"
Linda: "Well...um...well, I once conceived the declaration of independence!"
Lazlow: "That's phenomenal! That's probably one of the reasons there's
so many single men in this city!"
Seg 20 - Maria calls in
Lazlow: "Alright, let's go over here to line 79, hello, you're on
Chatterbox."
Maria: "Hello...er..i..i..is that Lazlow?!"
Lazlow: "Errr...yes!"
Maria: "Heh...oh wow, I'm on a radio, how exciting, oh thank you Lazlow!!
Um...is this on the radio, I mean, am..am I actually on the radio
right this second??"
Lazlow: "Er..er..yes you are! Er...I'm sure it's very exciting for you,
but heh...what do you want to talk about?"
Maria: "Oh man! I mean, what..what else is there, I could go on all day,
but you know how it is don't you Lazlow?!?"
Lazlow: "Errr...not really...wh...what's your name, what did you call about?!"
Maria: "I..I'm sorry, I'm Maria, you know Ma-ri-a, like mama-mia,
o..only different, you know! But...you know...men, m e n, heh, oh
it's a dirty word, only there's only 3 letters. Y..y..you know
what I mean, I mean you broadcasters are all the same, aren't
you, I mean I heard about you, you're always out on...boys
nights!!"
Lazlow: "Woow woow, w..what are you talking about!? I...I'm married!"
Maria: "Oh one of those convenience jobs to protect you, I bet?? I know
what you're all like! You know more about men than I know about
leopard-skin furniture! So less of that clever stuff, and give me
some advice!! I mean, come on, I got real problems! You
see...okay...I had this boyfriend, and at first he was real kind to
me, he was a real gentleman, a little bit older and everything,
but he treated me real good, and...then it all went wrong, y..you
know, I found someone else...he seems real nice but he don't talk
too much, and I really can't tell if he likes me! Well, I guess
what I want to know is...you know, how do you tell if a guy's
serious?! I mean...you know, he treats me good but...he don't seem
real interested in me, you know, he's always working and hanging
out with the guys! Um...say...you don't think he's like you, do
you?!"
Lazlow: "Wh..what do you mean like me! Wh..what are you insinuating?
Th..that he's on the radio!? Well...probably not. Um, y..you're
listening to Chatterbox, where your opinion matters, or at least
we say that!"
Seg 21 - Jeff - rally in the park
Lazlow: "Let's go over here to line 4, hello caller, what's your name?"
Jeff: "Jeff from Rockford."
Lazlow: "Hello Jeff, what's up?"
Jeff: "I want to tell you and your listeners about a once-in-a-lifetime
chance to make a difference. There's a rally tomorrow evening at
the park. Starting at 7. Although we'll be painting banners and
singing songs and all day to prepare for it. Then, when tens-of-
thousands have gathered in the park, we're gonna march onto Town
Hall. Lazlow, the people have spoken! And they have said 'no, not
in my town!' So folks, if you're listening, and want to make a
difference, get yourself down to the park, and prepare to bring
democracy back to the people."
Lazlow: "So...what's this rally about, Jeff?"
Jeff: "It's about people standing up and being counted. It's about the
future. It's about telling those morons in the suits 'no thanks!
Not in my town! Not while I have a breath in my body and hope in
my soul! I will not, I cannot let this pass!'"
Lazlow: "Let what pass?"
Jeff: "It's about grabbing the town by the balls and saying 'listen son,
either put-up, or shut up! No more Mr. Nice-guy. No more easy
solutions for difficult problems!' It's about what it means to be
an American. It's about giving something back."
Lazlow: "Giving what back, Jeff?"
Jeff: "Hope! Dreams! Belief!"
Lazlow: "Belief in what, I mean, look Jeff, I..I admire your passion,
really I do, but...what will people be marching for? Wh..what's
your rally about!?"
Jeff: "It's about justice, Mr. Low! A chance to shine and make a
difference! About thousands of people walking side-by-side as
brother marchers. Only one thing on their minds - the chance to
make a difference! Bring your friends! Nothing shows a man how
much you mean to him more than the chance to walk together for
justice! Bring your kids! They can paint signs, and we'll even
have a face-painter, and a vegen bar-be-que. Bring your parents,
dude, even the elderly care about tomorrow!"
Lazlow: "I understand that, it sounds like a great rally, but w..we're
not a political station and you haven't really told us why
people should do this...what is it about?!?"
Jeff: "Look..look, do you wanna help or not??"
Lazlow: "I don't know what I'm helping!"
Jeff: "You're helping America! What kind of patriot are you? It's a
rally!!"
Lazlow: "You don't know what it's for, do you!?!"
Jeff: "It's for hope. Please come, everybody! It'll be real good!"
Lazlow: "Alright, you fight the power, brother!"
Seg 22 - I'm moving out
Lazlow: "Say, later on in the show, if your into eh... health foods or
martial arts, we'll have a special guest just for you. This guy
is reee-ally special! Kinda like a romantic cruise, but...he can't
walk on water. Alright let's go to the phones, hello caller, you
are on Chatterbox."
Caller: "Huhh?!?"
Lazlow: "Heh-eh...you're on Chatterbox, what's on your mind?"
Caller: "Oh wooow, I can't believe it!"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...do you have a question?"
Caller: "Dude, I call everyday, and I never get through. This is
amazing, you do a great show man!"
Lazlow: "Heh...thanks...what's er...wh..wh..what's up?"
Caller: "No man, I'm serious, really great! You're like...a total
inspiration!"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and...exactly what have I inspired you about?"
Caller: "Well, okay, right now I live at home, but pretty soon...like next
week dude, I'm moving out...it's er...the big 4-0 and it's...it's...it's
just time to go."
Lazlow: "Okay...did you have anything relevant to say?"
Caller: "Yeah dude, that bee dude was bo-gus! Really bogus! That's all,
great show Lazlow!"
Lazlow: "I..I appreciate that, y'know that's why I went to broadcasting
school. Alright, when we come back from these messages that help
supplement my meager salary, we're going to talk to Reed Tucker,
it's gonna be a great interview. We'll be right back!"
Ares Running Shoes (commercial)
Man: "A good shoe starts from the ground up. At Ares, we make high-
quality footwear. In fact, you can find Ares running shoes in over
140 countries around the world. In the past, there's been some
criticism about our workers! That's why I'm here at one of the
Ares factories so you can meet some of them...excuse me sir, do you
enjoy your job here?"
Kid: "It's fun...we get to play with knives!"
Man: "Heh, I see...is there a real sense of teamwork?"
Kid: "My friend Joey sewed his hands together!"
Man: "Wow, you're learning some real skills. How about the salary, and
benefits?"
Kid: "Yesterday...I made a dollar!"
Man: "You see, that's the kind of dedication we have to our employees,
and the quality of our shoes. Ares running shoes...always
running......from something!"
Petsovernight 3 (commercial)
Male Voice: "Buying a gift for the guy that has everything!? Log on to
petsovernight.com, we've got exotic pets galore. Including
tigers..."
Tiger: "Roooar!"
Male Voice: "...Cobras..."
Cobra: "Hsssssssss!"
Male Voice: "...Manatees..."
Sheep: "Ee-ee-ee-eehh!"
Male Voice: "And white rhinos..."
Seal: "Eur..eur...eur!"
Male Voice: "All delivered overnight! Petsovernight.com...delivering
little bundles of love, in a box...directly to your door."
Cat: "Miaoow!"
Seg 23 - Reed Tucker
(Reed speaks with a lisp. Lazlow imitates this lisp sometimes.)
Lazlow: "Alright, now joining us in the studio, we have a very special
guest, his new book 'Karate and Digestion' has been on top of
the 100 best self-help books for the past three weeks. He is the
founder of 'Now and Zen' dojo and organic food market in
Trenton, his name is Reed Tucker...welcome to Chatterbox, Reed!"
Reed: "Why thank you Lazlow, it certainly is an honour to be here
today."
Lazlow: "So tell me Reed, where did you think of the idea of combining
martial arts and organic food, I..I mean it's kinda like putting
ice-cream on pizza, both are great but they really shouldn't be
put together."
Reed: "Okay Lazlow, actually it is nothing like ice-cream with pizza,
ice-cream is milk-based as we all know, and I am lactose
intolerant, and pizza, as you may know as well is a sandwich
derivative of Italian origin, but I won't go on. Martial arts are
about discipline, and physical empowerment, not watching football
and eating junk-food. You have to explore your mind and your
digestive system, Lazlow. What you put in...also comes out."
Lazlow: "Heh...especially corn, wh..what's the story with that anyway?"
Reed: "Lazlow, I'm deadly serious now. My mentor was a 430 year old
monk, who showed me the way to enlightenment...through carrot
juice."
Lazlow: "Okay...if you have a question for Reed, we'll be taking calls in
a little bit. I think we all went through a ninja period, you
know, I had the Chinese stars, and the nunchucks....."
Reed: "...this is not a period, Lazlow!! This is the way of life! Thanks
to a strict vegen diet, I have the power of nine men. After
morning meditation and a three-bean salad, I could chop a bus in
half! Sometimes...I even frighten myself!"
Lazlow: "Heheh...no offence, but you're kind of a scrawny, pasty dude,
it...and it says on the inside cover of your book that you still
live in your parent's basement!"
Reed: "Okay, it...it's not a basement! I prefer a center for spiritual
enlightenment. In chapter 17 of my book, which I know you have
read, I address the dangers of cynicism. Lazlow, a closed mind is
like a closed fist! And karate means 'open hand!' But it might as
well mean 'open mind.' If you like wheat-grass, I think you will
really like my book."
Lazlow: "Well, I'm not a masticating cow, but I really don't enjoy
chewing damp hay, and prancing around in leggings shouting 'hi-
ya!'...."
Reed: "Okay Lazlow, I'm warning you this time...do not make me angry! It's
bad for my karma, and it will definitely be bad for your karma. I
studied the martial arts so I could stand up to bullies just like
you! And I encourage everyone listening out there on Chatterbox to
buy my book, and learn how organic food and martial arts can help
you, too!"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and I encourage anyone who needs a doorstop, or booster
seat to buy it as well! Let's see who's on the phones."
Reed: "Lazlow, this is your final warning...do not make me go into
my...dragon stance!!"
Lazlow: "Hehh...hello caller, you are on the air."
Caller: "Hello Reed, I bought your book, it really saved my life."
Reed: "Why thank you."
Caller: "I wanted to ask about chapter 29 - yoga, not yogurt - I just
can't give up cheese...it's sooo wonderful! I've rejected
chocolate milk and calf's butter out of my life, I've scooted
around the house with my legs in behind my head for 2 days now.
Well my husband says I look like the chick in The Exorcist. I
even put all the dairy on the top shelf in my fridge, so I
couldn't reach it with my legs in behind my legs an' all, but I
grow week and start knocking things down with a broom. What can
I do, Reed?"
Reed: "Do not fret my child, we are all weak."
Lazlow: "Heh-eh you certainly are!"
Reed: "Shut up you carnivore, why don't you go gnaw on a bone like a
gorilla Lazlow! Our ancestors didn't eat chicken wings, they lived
at one with nature and their eco-system. Existing on a diet of
nuts, berries and leafy vegetables."
Lazlow: "Heheh yes, and they threw stones at their own shadow and died
of old-age and fear at 24!"
Reed: "Lazlow...the soul is eternal. When I'm in trouble, or tempted by
those all-you-can-eat breakfast buffets with huge pans of juicy
bacon..."
Lazlow: "Can we get some bacon in here!?!"
Reed: "Hhhehh. Lazlow, I go back to basics. I start the day with a
fruity beverage, some meditation and six hours of yoga. Next I go
open up my shop 'Now and Zen,' and drink two pints of hand-pressed
potato juice."
Lazlow: "And who wants a steak after that?! Okay next caller, you are on
Chatterbox with Reed Tucker."
Caller: "Yo Reed, kung-fu movies are dope! How can I learn to beat up 10
guys at once?"
Reed: "Okay, first things first, my man. You need to stop the negative
thinking. And the best attack I've found is to just run away. That
way you instill fear in you opponent. They never know when you
might descend from the rafters...LIKE A BAT!!!"
Caller: "I don't want to hear about no tofu running away. I want to
learn how to be a ninja, kicking people's arses!"
Reed: "Actually I do cover this early on in the book, in chapter 45.
It's called 'Stir-fry your Prejudice.' You see, I once thought
like you before my master took me under his wing and taught me the
joys of soy and origami. Concentration begins in the mind, and
spreads to all the extremities of the body. You must use the
language of the body, not the tongue! And the language of the body
begins with raw, uncooked, organic vegetables. Just look at me, I
could tear a phone-book in half with my bear toes! In fact,
Lazlow, I could easily chop this desk into two half-desks!!"
Lazlow: "This desk is made of two inch thick composite wood pulp, and
has a mahogany-veneer finish, it has three draws and, knowing
this station cost a hundred dollars. In his own words Reed
Tucker is about to smash it into two half desks! Take it away
Reed!"
Reed: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have already visualized the desk in two
half desks, and now, I shall make it so! Dragon stance...HHIII-
YAA...OOOHW...OOW LAZLOW, OOH LAZLOW...I think I hurt my hand!! My...my
pinky's all bent the wrong way!"
Lazlow: "Listen karate kid...the desk is still in one piece,
thanks for coming on the show!"
Reed: "Okay Lazlow, mockery will get you nowhere! I think I'm gonna hit
you now!!"
Lazlow: "Ohh...I bruise easily, don't throw any tofus or bean
curds at me!"
Reed: "Okay very funny Lazlow, it's easy to make fun of me but it's all
the fault of the feng-shui in here, it's damn right disgraceful!"
Lazlow: "Yes it makes you talk like this! Okay, the listener
lines are open, this is Chatterbox."
Seg 24 - Crazy guy
Caller: "Hey Lazlow. That last guy was a lunatic! Where'd you dig him up
from, the state loony bin? And that wacko you had going on about
killer bees - what a moron!! I mean...just read a newspaper!
Killer bees, er..the evils of artificial sweeteners in soda
pops, Roswell..i..it's all part of the governments propaganda
plan! I might as well wear a satellite dish so they can beam
their propaganda right into my brain! C'mon, do you honestly
believe the NSA's Echelon system isn't already reading your e-
mails and recording your phone conversations? It's all designed
to frighten us so we don't complain about our rights being taken
away and fighting whatever boogie-men they come up with today!"
Lazlow: "Er..well..you realize that the government listens to this
station and if they weren't playing particular attention to you
before, they're probably gonna be following you now!"
Caller: "Oh yeah! L..look they already got me once! But n-e-ver again!"
Lazlow: "Heh. Do you have anything else to say?"
Caller: "Yeah...FREE KEVIN!!"
Seg 25 - I like working here
Lazlow: "Alright, we're talking about short guys, killer bees, the magna
carta, chi...ah, well, the red light on the wall's flashing which
means the owner of this station has an important announcement to
make. Let's go live to his office..."
Donald Love: "Hello. My name is Donald Love. You are listening to a Love
Media Station. Enjoy!"
Lazlow: "Wow man, that was deep! You know, I really like working here,
this station i..it feels like my second family. Eh-heh, except
that we have a snack machine, and I tell ya', working here beats
the hell outta digging sewage ditches outside Kuala Lumpur!"
Seg 26 - Language dispute & hopscotch
Lazlow: "Alright, let's go to the phones! Hello caller, you're on
Chatterbox."
Caller: "Lazlow man, I...I was listening to that English wimp you were
talking to earlier, I mean, do these guys realize how wussy they
sound?! I mean, th..they have the nerve to call 'crackers'
'biscuits!' And they say 'al-u-min-ium,' instead of 'aluminum.'
I mean...what's up with that!? They all think they sound so smart
with their little funny accents, I mean...I got something for
'em...SPEAK ENGLISH, YA LIMEY MORONS!!"
Lazlow: "Well you know..I think they were speaking English before we
were! Th..the people over here were speaking Shoshone and
Cherokee!"
Caller: "Man, Cherokee-shmerokee, man! A..and another thing! What's up
with them calling 'soccer' 'football?!' Man, y..you ever watched
soccer!? Man, that's a boring game, man! I'll tell what soccer
is...soccer's for little girls man! Football...now that's an
American sport! I..it teaches you good wholesome American values
man, like..like stealing other peoples land by force and...and
wearing tight pants while you do it!"
Lazlow: "Hehh...what are you talking about!?!"
Caller: "I'm talking about being a man, Lazlow! Something you wouldn't
know anything about by the sound of things. I tell ya, I bet you
play wimpy stuff like...like touch football, a..a..and basketball.
'Look, I'm running around the court bouncing the ball and I'm
seven foot three!' I'm telling ya man, I only play man sports!
Like football. And hopscotch."
Lazlow: "HOPSCOTCH!?! Th..that's a girls game!!"
Caller: "Man, that ain't a girls game man! Not rugby hopscotch! Now get
me in a scrum and I'm dangerous. I'd take anybody down! I'm the
hopscotch master! I gots fly skills at hopscotch...you know what
I'm saying??"
Lazlow: "Yeah..I..I..I kinda see your point, but you'd be a little
cranky too if your empire had fallen apart over the last hundred
years! And speaking of commerce, it's time for some commerce
here...let's go to commercials, we'll be back after this."
Fernando's New Beginnings (commercial)
Fernando: "Has your marriage gone stale? Has the spark gone out of your
love life? Looking to add a little adventure to the monotony
of monogamy? Hello...I am Fernando Martinez, founder of
'Fernando's New Beginnings,' a revolutionary new way of saving
your marriage. We understand how 2 kids and a mortgage can
take the passion out of your life. With our three-step
program, you'll re-discover romance...guaranteed!"
Phil: "Hi, my name's Phil. I've got 3 kids, 2 cars and a mortgage. My
love life was going stale, even before my wife's car accident!
Then I called 'New Beginning!' Thanks to Fernando, I'm still
married. But on Wednesday afternoons, I meet Barbara at the motel
by the turnpike."
Fernando: "See...the passion, she is back. Phil's marriage...is saved. And
his kids will have a daddy to look up to. Call 'New
Beginnings' today...cinco cinco cinco- nueve dos nueve dos". It
will be a miracle, I guarantee it! 'Fernando's New
Beginnings,' we turn an ending...into a new beginning!"
Petsovernight 1 (commercial)
Kid: "Mom, there's a package for you."
Mom: "But I didn't order anything! What's this? How sweet..."
Puppy: "Woof woof woof!"
Mom: "Gee whilikers...it's a puppy!"
Male Voice: "Everybody loves a puppy! And now you can ship one anywhere,
just by logging on to petsovernight.com!
Petsovernight.com...delivering little bundles of love, in a
box...directly to your door."
Puppy: "Woof!"
Seg 27 - Inconsiderate people
Lazlow: "Man, who says that e-commerce isn't a brilliant idea? Alright
speaking of brilliance, you're listening to Chatterbox, with me
Lazlow, let's go over here to the phones and see what's plaguing
Liberty City. Hello caller, you're on the air!"
Caller: "Wow, I got through! Uh, Lazlow, I think your last 2 callers are
a perfect example of manners in this city! People are rude, and
they don't seem to care about anything but themselves. Perfect
example. The other day, I stopped at the store to pick up an
exercise bar because I hadn't had breakfast or lunch. So I go up
to pay, and the lady's like 'A dollar twenty-five please.' So I
get out my cheque-book, and this guy behind me is like 'oh come
on lady, you don't have 2 dollars?' And I said 'as a matter of
fact...I don't! I spent my last 2 dollars last night buying gas at
these ridiculous gas prices. And besides, who are you anyway,
can't you see that I'm wearing my 'I walked for the cure' t-
shirt?' People are so inconsiderate!"
Lazlow: "Well, you'll get no argument from me, I mean...I get every
inconsiderate moron in Liberty City calling into this show. I
mean, people think that I have no feelings what-so-ever!"
Caller: "Exactly! Another perfect example! The other day I'm over at the
hospital to have my lunch with my girl friend Cherice, and this
maniac comes right up on my bumper, flashing his lights, and I'm
like 'hey guy, the light is red, you can't just come up behind
me honking and flashing your lights!' Then he gets over this
megaphone and says 'to the woman in the teal Maibatsu
Monstrosity, please move to the side!' Can you believe it? I
mean, who has a megaphone hooked into their car?! People are
sooo obnoxious these days! And rude! I mean, I tell my nanny to
teach my kids some manners."
Lazlow: "You know, I think that's a lesson to us all! Alright hello next
caller, you're on Chatterbox."
Caller: "Hello Lazlow..."
Lazlow: "...uhh..."
Caller: "Did that woman say she was a nanny? Because Freddy needs a
nanny because he's been a very naughty boy!"
Lazlow: "NOOO, NO NANNIES!!"
Seg 28 - Military bloke
Lazlow: "Let's go to our next caller, alright."
Caller: "Colonel James T. United Stated Marine Corps Second Battalion.
Lazlow that caller made a really valid point. These kids today
have no respect for authority! And there is one thing that would
whip them into shape!"
Lazlow: "Heh..l..let me guess! The military!!"
Caller: "That's right. The military teaches you respect! Obedience, and
it gives you a good pension! These kids that thought they were
going to be millionaires, look where the super-information-
highway has gotten them! Nowhere! It's a dead end! Uncle Sam
takes care of his boys! And some girls! If more people would
join the military this would be a better country!! I tell you
another thing about respect. These kids don't respect veterans,
we fought for your freedom! When I came back from the
Australian-American war...I didn't get a heroes welcome...I didnp't
get a pack on the back from my friends and neighbours saying
'thanks for fighting for our freedom James!' After years of
fighting in the trenches, I come back here and everyone's
watching TV!!"
Lazlow: "Now..I..I..can you tell me what this Australian-American war
was...I..I never really heard of it!"
Caller: "God, not another one! Have you read a history book lately son??
The Australian-American war the was the biggest war since the
big one! I tell ya, I didn't do two tours and take boomerang
shrapnel in my head to come back here, and have a bunch of
hippies deny our history! Those Aussies are ruthless! They even
wired kangaroos with explosives...come hopping in the camp and
knock out ten guys!"
Lazlow: "Well thanks for the history lesson!"
Seg 29 - Toni Capriani calls in
Lazlow: "Alright let's go over here. Hello caller, you're on
Chatterbox."
Toni: "Yeah? Is that Lazlow?"
Lazlow: "Yes it is. Who is this?"
Toni: "My name ain't important! It's real un-important, okay?!"
Lazlow: "Er...no not really, I mean this is a radio show, people usually
tell us their name."
Toni: "My name I is real un-important! If you wanna keep on being a
wise-guy, you'll find out just how un-important....like...un-important
I just got shot in the head un-important! Do I make myself
clear?!?"
Lazlow: "Err..yes...wh..why are you calling in today?"
Toni: "Because I need some advice. And I ain't doing any of that shrink
shit!"
Lazlow: "Er..i..if you swear again, we're gonna have to cut you off,
this is a family show."
Toni: "Sorry sorry, sorry...I'm..I'm..I'm just a little unhappy, a bit
agitated. Real angry. It's my ma! She don't think I'm a real man.
Can you imagine that? I mean, I do a mans job an all, but, she
treats me like a little boy! All I get is 'your pa' this and 'your
pa' that and 'you ain't a real man Toni' and it's driving me
freakin' nuts!!"
Lazlow: "Well, Toni..."
Toni: "Toni!? How'd you know my name was Toni?? You tracing this call?
Cos if you are, you're gonna get real intimately acquainted
with...what your brains look like! My name ain't Toni....okay!?!"
Lazlow: "Err...okay."
Toni: "But my ma, she keeps going 'Toni Toni, be a real man, stand up
for yourself, don't take no shit!' But all I do is to be a good
son, and I want her to show that she cares for me! Show that...she
loves me! And you know...say I was a good kid! But...it seems like
nothing's ever good enough for her, you know what I mean? What do
I do?"
Lazlow: "Well Ton...I mean sir...you know in life we have a lot of
obligations, and we just have to kinda...face up to them...and right
now, I'm obligated to play some commercial announcements. We'll
be back right after this!"
Pogo the Monkey (commercial)
Female Voice: "We've got a new friend for everyone!"
Pogo: "Aauh...aauuh...auuhh!"
Female Voice: "He's got fur, and a tail, he gets in lots of trouble, but
he's a bouncy little fellow. Cos he's got springs for
legs! *boing boing* Pogo the Monkey, the best new
videogame for the whole family."
Girl: "I love you Pogo, you bounce!"
Female Voice: "Help Pogo escape from the evil research laboratory, where
the mean old scientists genetically altered him! Uh-oh,
the pharmaceutical scientist is going to get you Pogo!"
Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a gold coin."
Female Voice: "Good thing Pogo has a banana cannon! Those nasty
scientists deserved to die! Now get the shampoo
manufacturers before they squirt it in your eye!"
Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a diamond!"
Female Voice: "You'll guide Pogo through tons of adventures, including
saving Timmy, who fell down the well."
Timmy: "Heeeelllp!"
Pogo: "Ooh aah ahh aah!"
Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a big watch!"
Female Voice: "Rescue the cat from the tree with your banana cannon
Pogo..."
Cat: "Meeeeeoww" *boooom*
Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a fast car!"
Female Voice: "And help Pogo to his final mission...to storm the White
House with his friends and become President of the United
States!"
Pogo: "Aauuhh!"
Female Voice: "Pogo the Monkey's the game kids are sure to stare at for
hours! Everyone loves Pogo! Idiot Gamer called Pogo the
best spring and simian game since Bouncing Bananas! Buy
the game Pogo the Monkey today. Right Pogo!?!"
Pogo: "Auuhh...auuhh..aauuhhh!"
Female Voice: "And coming soon...Pogo the Monkey card game,
Pogo the Monkey plastic dolls, Pogo the Monkey quilt
covers and Pogo the Monkey car covers. For the dad who has
everything, why not a Pogo the Monkey tie and sports
jacket, for the lady in your life why not Pogo the Monkey
chocolates and hygiene products so she smells like a real
monkey? And for kids a life size living springing
breathing monkey, all available at pogothemonkey.com!"
- "Maria Calls In" is the Maria that you meet in the game. "That guy"
she talks about is indeed your character, and her old boyfriend is
Salvatore.
- The C.R.A.P. lady talks about using carrier pigeons to dispatch her
messages, and that they always disappear. The Squirrel Guy is eating
them... "Sometimes, they come with notes attached, like a fortune cookie
with wings."
- Crazy guy calling about SPANK, which your character spends much of his
time thwarting the Cartel's SPANK racket.
- The woman mentioned in a teal Maibatsu Monstrosity is the
Inconsiderate Woman...
- I suspect the "Taxes" caller may be Joey Leone, but I don't have a
shred of evidence to prove it, apart from that the caller sounds to me
like he has an Italian accent, and the idea that no respectable crime
boss would pay taxes. Again, no proof.
- At the end of the Crazy Guy segment, the caller yells "FREE KEVIN!"
He's referring to Kevin Mitnick, an amateur radio host who was charged
with... something-or-other. Anyway, you can read more about it at
http://www.kevinmitnick.com/
- Jane (the difficult parent) mentions a banana cannon, and rushing
around collecting gold coins. These are references to Pogo the Monkey,
the videogame talked about during commercials.
Pacdude, Kasper Nymand, Lain_Lover_2005, Rob McGregor, Becky Moler, Beto
Cárdenas, Peter Veness - various error corrections.
In listening to the commericial, everything being said
about the shoe is a blatant attack on Nike brand
shoes. There have been news reports of Nike shoes
being made by children in sweat shops for just cents a
day. Remember the little boy saying, "Yesterday, I
made a dollar?" Anyhow, since Nike is the
Greek goddess of victory in mythology, the name Ares,
who is the Greek god of war was chosen as a blatant
rip-off of Nike brand shoes. - Dr. Nick Riviera
Snesman64 - for a whole bunch of corrections, an alarmingly good
knowledge and frequent use of the word "bestiality", and for
sending me 2 emails longer than the liquid-viagra ones that
used to frequent my Inbox on a daily basis.
John Mitch - some of the Insight section.
Qbsean10 - missing text in the Survivor advert.
Matt Perry - "I watched for the cure" t-shirt, and Shoshone and Cherokee
Justin Franzen - numerous corrections, also the Shoshone and Cherokee
Everyone who emailed me telling me who Maria was. Thanks.
